Hijrah itu permulaan….
Assalamualaikum dear readers,
it’s been quiet these past few days. I didn’t do nothing much = LAGHA. but 1 Muharam 1429 H makes me want to do sth in my life.
i woke up today around 3-ish pm (i slept at 7-8ish am),thinking what i have ever done in the past 20yrs…xpayahlah pk jauh kan, this winter break pun dh signifies what am i to be for the next 20 yrs. am i proud of it?? no..im terribly ashamed of myself. so i keep on staring at the window. n the first thing that came to my mind would be "oh hari ini xsejuk sngt mcm semlm, kenapa setiap hari berubah weather nih" but its not like i dun know what it means..of course its global warming yadda yadda.. n perhaps people who live in mesia didnt experience that much as what we’ve been having here.but the weather CHANGES DRASTICALLY that it scares me… Petanda Allah SWT itu sudah terlalu bnyk..yet i did nothing to reprimand myself, nothing to change me into hamba ALLAH yg diredhai-Nya.
After that i went to take shower. n i must say, i keep on thinking n terasa mcm nk jerit dgn kebodohan diri sendiri.. tengah mandi brulah kan nak nawaitu mandi itu kerana ALLAH, sedangkan semua pekerjaan yg dilakukan itu sepatutnye memang diwaitukan KERANA ALLAH.. As a student, this would be going to class, study, taking exams, even updating my lifeless life to my parents,chatting with people whom i cherish n love..everything that we did,pkai kasut,bju..the list goes on infinitely..bukankah ini adalah perkara yg baik?? Yet adakah semua ini diniatkan kepada ALLAH SWT??? bukan ke niat kerana ALLAH itu sahaja dpt menghindarkan kita dripada perkara yhg tidak elok? dripada pkai perfume utk buat org sedar dgn kehadiran kita n mungkin smpai menarik perhatian yg tidak diingini ataupun cukuplah kita pakai utk keselesaan diri sendiri, agar mendapat inner confidence?? mana satu yg lebih baik dan diredhai-Nya? did t think about my behavior n its consequences twice or more than that? did i even think at all? often times i didnt. no, a lot of times i didn’t.
to be honest,its hard FOR ME to say, for example, "niat belajar kerana ALLAH, bila hati itu berbisik mesti kena score utk dptkan A, supaya dapt GPA bgus.." i couldnt think anything more except that. even when i tried to be,i dont think im ikhlas etc. n it’s SELFISH.YES I KNOW ITS SELFISH,but is it? my reason is that i couldnt think far beyond that, n belajar itu memanfaatkan yaya utk dpt result yg lebih bgus..but i couldnt think anymore reasons beyond that. how foolish i am?
ini lah dia kesalahan yaya yg pling besar sekali,kerana xdpt nk rase ape consequences diatas perbuatan yaya..bukan xpk…bukan x takut… u guys know what i mean. mungkin kena matahari sejengkal je dri kepala bru yaya nk sedar.. ataupun ketika bngun dri tidur dan sedar bhawa matahari itu terbit dari barat. tpi bukankah itu dh terlambat? cube pk, betapa bnyk nye ya timba ilmu pun, n if semua pun xmendapat keredhaan dari-NYA itu bukan ke sia-sia shja? adakah selama ini hidup yaya itu adlah benda yang sia-sia shja? did i come to this world for nothing? ape yg yaya mampu berikan in JUDGMENT DAY NANTI?
terlalu bnyk conth tpi ya akan usaha jugak tulis.. supaya yaya sedar dan… aware… dan .. entahlah, xterdapat nk digambarkan feelings ini. cubalah kawan2 pk bgaimana nikmat TUHAN pada hidup ini disia2kan begitu shja. bgaimana nk menghadapi malaikat maut disaat mata itu dipejamkan, adakah bru nk menyesal ketika itu juga..ketika kala-jengking,ular berbisa2 dan mcm2 lgi mula membelit bdn baru nk minta ampun dan maaf, bru rase nikmat sebenar TUHAN dan KEMURKAANNYA…
terlalu bnyk persoalan…………… did i pray 5 times a day today?? if i did, did i pray right after azan utk menyahut "haiyya a’la solah"? or did i combine two prayers at a time? even when i prayed, did i focus solely on ALLAH n not thinking about things that i should do after solat or other random things that keep on wandering into my mind? did i do anything to stop it by istighfar-ing a lot, by taking proper wudhu’, by using white sejadah instead of colorful ones so that i stop analyzing their decors? no i didn’t. did i selawat to prophet Muhammad S.A.W everyday or when i’m free when its all for my best? so that the prophet can recognize me and help me when the TIME finally comes? even after pray? no i didn’t. did i being enthusiastic to see ALLAH, to chat with ALLAH, to make ALLAH loves me more, to belong to HIM and be HIS SLAVE every time i pray? no i didn’t (please make note that ALLAH IS ONE, ALLAH HAS NO GENDER n its just a figure of speech). did i cry when i feel alone n helpless to ALLAH? did i cry when i say my thanks to ALLAH? did i appreciate when people that i cherish n love are still here in this world, so that i can repent myself for what they did for me? did i say sorry to people that i hurt, people that i consciously or unconsciously saying things that are not true to them,when i know that ALLAH hates it? did i say thank you enough to my parents for everything that they did for me; to beg their forgiveness for my sins each moment when they cry,inside and out, for me? no, i didn’t.
indeed, they are too many things… but those are perfect examples of all the precious lists that i need to do everyday. bukan ke solat itu ibarat tiang agama? adakah yaya ini ada tiang agama at all? adakah ISLAM yang yaya anuti ini yaya cherish umpama nyawa yaya sendiri?
n sometimes when i tried to make good things.. like for example,i made lists for all things to do but failed miserably. n then i simply didnt want to do more. senang cerita,patah hati. should i be like that? NO!!! i should try my best.even if i couldnt do those things at specific amount of time i can fix it. ITS NEVER TOO LATE. siapa kite untuk judge other people? siapa yaya utk judge diri sendiri? terlalu senang utk yaya beri hukuman kepada benda yg baik tpi terlalu buta utk menilai bnda yg tidak baik pada diri sendiri? that’s what i did. n i want to change it.
no matter how hard yaya menyesal, hari yg lepas tetap menjadi satu sejarah. 09 jan 2008 tidak akan ada lagi sampai bila2…iye,yaya menyesal dan if bole,ya nk rewind balik, tpi itu adalah perkara yg salah. stupid i must say. instead i must looking forward to my current life n in future. striving for the best.. yaya tau yaya akan still buat salah lgi, tpi instead for punishing myself instantly, losing hopes.. sepatutnye yaya jadikan itu sebagai satu cabaran. selalunye if pergi motivasi tu susah nk dgr org kate mcm ni,liat nk terima dlm hati, sebab perubhan dlm diri inilah adelah bnda yg pling susah. sabda RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Sesunnguhnya musuh yang terbesar itu datangnya dari diri sendiri."
semua org pun nk berubah, jadi yaya harap after reading this post, please give comments ataupn bole private msg yaya on frenster.. bukan yaya shja yg mengalami persoalan2 ini..dan org mcm yaya ni juga perlu menerima sokongan,if xpun reminder.. supaya nti kite dpt mengingatkan sesama kita,bukan atas kesalahan yg lalu namun atas bnda yg kite nak buat dan bakal buat. if yaya ade kwan mcm ni, adelah senang kan… bole ingtkan dh solat atau belum, ade berpuasa ke belum, sudahke mengucapkan syukur kepada ALLAH atas segala anugerah yang ALLAH telah berikan di dunia ini. Inilah die tujuan post ni..sebagai satu PERMULAAN buat kita semua.sebagai satu INSPIRASI kepada kita semua. bukan niat yaya utk membuka pekung di dada atau mengaibkan diri sendiri. yaya juga harap ada yg dpt memberikan respons yg bagus..dan jgnlah judge yaya sebelum mengenali yaya. after this post yaya akn ubah dlm diri yaya sendiri dahulu… 
lastly,maafkan yaya diatas segala kesilapan yaya.yg membaca post ni,org yg ya anggap sebgai kwn,org yg ya sedar atau tidak yg ya telah sakitkan..ya minta maaf tulus dri hati. ya harap, tiada permusuhan dri kita lagi. sila private msg juga dgn yaya if u want to say sth more. maafkan lah yaya. dan insyaALLAh, yaya telah maafkan kesilapan kamu juga.
.wassalam.
5:56 pm
