The chain of lies.

Posted on March 30, 2008 by yayalalala.
Categories: Current Affairs.

knape lah org tertentu ni? what’s wronggg with u?
mula2 nk tulis ape yg korg rase korg xbuat,ape yg korg fabricate lies to other people about what u did? tpi no necessary details needed.

kalo ko ni kna reject dgn lelaki lain ke sebb ko perasan die suke dekt kau…

kalau kau ni suke bgi kate2 manis pada org lain..konon nak tolong org sane sini..bgi ride ke,ape ke sedgkn ko xbuat…

kalau ko ni memng suke sngt mengata org..ko ni kutuk kawan yg rapat dgn ko, bile ko kna reject dgn laki tu…(kesian lah ko ni..betul2 desperate..kawan2 die ko add.lepas tu ko pergi pour ko nye feelings dekt kawan2 die). note yg ko ni memng suke bgitau dekt semua org lah..even aku pun ko bgitau kn..in the end kn salah satu kwn si polan ni bgitau dekt si polan. of course lah not me. aku xde business pun dgn si polan. n si polan ni bile mengetahui teruslah buat xlayan dgn ko..knape ko nk marah2 pada org lain???? pls have some class. lepas tu ko pergi pulak mengumpat si polan ni? salahke die bile ko xmengukur diri sendiri?or saiz bdnmu terlebih dahulu?

amcm the readers, die ni memng suke sngt mengutuk org. lepas tu die kte org lain selalu kate bad things about si die or die punye "kawan2". eh silap2…org lain xpernah cerita pasal die.die dan "kawan2 die" yg sibuk cerita pasal org lain.seriously. laahhhh…sebb tu lah aku ni jauhkn diri dari korg.kalo betul aku ni tergolong dlm golongan yg mengumpat sesama kamu,aku cucuk org sane,aku cucuk org sini diklgn kamu.cube pergi confront blik "kwn2 kamu ini" n tanye sesama korg kn…they are contagious…better get rid of them FAST!

ni utk another polan… society n culture expects us to be polite. kalo aku nmpk org yg lebih tua dri aku or org malay kn,aku tegur bcoz tu namenye polite courtesy. lebey2 lagi kalo duduk dekt uni ni. that’s it. xde pulak aku nak sebut2 name korg dlm diari hidup aku. buat ape? ade korg ke xde korg ke same je..hidup aku still berjalan.so pls, if korg ni salah sorg dri yg memperasankn diri ni, kate org lain ngumpat korg ke,benci korg ke…. korg salah, xbermaksudnye kite ni berlainan personaliti or pendapat membuatkn kite perlu membenci sesama sendiri.

true, ade certain people yg aku sebut tu aku memng benci. tpi aku xpernah hebahkn kepada org yg dtg tempat aku jauh2… yg xpernah kenal sama kamu utk membuat diorg ni membenci korang . aku xmcm tu. kalo ko xsedar jugak kn please read the second reasoning. are u worth my telling stuffs about u? sebb tu aku xdekt dgn org mcm korg,sebb aku xnk mengumpat. kepada bf aku pun aku xbgitau..sebb die mengenali korg.

aku kalo nk cerita aku kate kepada neutralizer. si neutralizer ni die dgr dan die xmembri komen..die dgr,die agree or disagree..n die still treat org yg diperkatakn tu spt. biase. lainlah if dh terbukti kejahatan org yg diperkatakn tu. aku xkn bgitau kepada org yg akn bgitau kepada kwn die yg lain,rapat ke,bestfren ke, pastu bgitau plak kepada gf/bf. ni mcm chain of lies. xmacam kau,ko pegi jaja ke merata tempat. tapi aku rase org yg mempercayainya atau memndng serong ni same je bodoh mcm engkau. kira ko pengedar dadah, dan kawan ko ni penerimanya.

aku xkate aku baik tpi sebb tulah aku rase rahmat yg Tuhan berikan kepada aku n recognize sebgai phala ni akn kekal dlm BUKUKU n bukan kepada mu. if aku xmengata aku xterima ape2,tpi if aku mengata aku akn sentiasa ditolak. so i chose the first one. untuk itu,aku sngt selfish sebb mati ini hak ALLAH SWT. pls,aku xpernah kte aku ni baik. so xyah pulak nk mempersetankn aku atau org yg berpandgn macam aku ini.

korg ni kenal sngt ke dgn aku utk sibuk kate itu ini? setahu aku, korg ni xpernah tnye or borak dgn aku tetiap hari smpai nk sibuk jadi paparazzi sane sini. at least adelah fakta sebelum ngumpat. kesian…dh ngumpat,kosong plak tu isinya..berapa bnyk minus sign pun aku xtau lah kn. camne ko nk bgi phala dekt aku if mngumpat pun aku xtaulah…kena dekt dgn ajal bnyk kali kotttt…

kesian, already he/ she or they are telling bad things or true things about u. knapelah ko ni cerita kepada org yg mcm padi? bila diorg cerita kepada aku tu gelak sahaja..diorg expect aku blas blik nk tgk response but i know better. buat ape cerita pada si padi? or are they just tired with u? worst, you are disgusting to them. oklah, i might spill u some juices. a guy told me that ur an ugly creature. i dont know what to say. simpan dlm hati sudey. sooner or later other people will know exactly who u r. or people might know already but ur heart is just too darkened to tell.

mcm kwn aku..hani hidayah ade tulis dlm blog die (nway hani if u ever read this then pls keep up the good work; you’re brilliant)….this post is a disclaimer.
xmenyatakn nama. jgn perasan pulak kn kepada org yg xsepatutnye
perasan. yg perasan tu, buka mata lebar2, gather ur fake pride n walk
around like a goose. lepas tu nk kutuk2 lgi,telling lies until it
becomes a disentangled web…until when? i dont know..semoga ko mendapat rahmat dri Tuhan.

=)

My love letter to u.

Posted on March 28, 2008 by yayalalala.
Categories: Love..

29 march 2008.

1:10 am.
*mode: the sudden urge to write whatever that comes into mind*

          A bit more than 2 months and then im off to malaysia!!! woohoo..but then U won’t be here anymore when i’m back. i think that’s the saddest part of all.

1:36 am.
*mode: Staring at the screen with mixed up emotions*

         Yeah, that’s how long I’ve been thinking how to sort out my feelings into words, but i guess those few sentences are enough. It’s simple, but that’s the truth. And the truth is always hard and brittle. I thought i’m prepared for this, heck i’ve been agonizing for these months to come since last 2 YRS AGO! I guess, as long as the heart lives, the feelings will always come back and leave their traces behind.

1:45 am.
*mode: Wiping off the tears that threatened to fall*

       The only thing that i can do now is to brace myself for whatever that comes. After all, I’m powerless to prevent the day and, do whatever it takes to be home again to u.

1:49 am.
*mode: Eager to being positive*

So, i need to:

1) start snapping all those memories that i have- mundane or not, good or bad- and framing it into my heart.

2) enjoy the last two months of teasing u, laughing with u here, calling u with all those weird names that we’ve made up together, watching u n…falling in love with u more if possible… since im already falling hard to u.

3) scraping all the money as much as i could so that i can buy winter flight ticket and fly to HOME!!!! and the rewards are very promising; not only that when i know that i have tickets i would be able to concentrate more on my studies and recharge my life batteries, but i can have eid-adha and enjoy being with my loved ones in malaysia and that includes u. yeah i know, that means i need to stop being lazy,getting my hands to touch the knives and cook to save money…sigh. so, no more little spoiled me afterwards.

2:15 am.
*mode: After staring more to what i’ve joted down, because i need to believe in those words..more importantly, to believe that i can. CAN!

      Taking a deep breath.. i guess…. when ur not here i would be devastated.i cannot lie to u. That’s the way it is. so please understand. i cannot mask my feelings. Every seconds, every lights, every lingering steps (n the tears start to fall down) that we have had together will not be a painful reminder to me. Instead, it will embrace me and will become a potent reminder about u. i know im not confident now, but i shall do it. All of that will bring me smile..i promise. i know i will cry, but i would smile in the end. just sooner i hope.

2:31 am.
*mode: brushing more tears, and smile.. after all, i heard a loud bumping and thumping noise upstairs n wondering haha..but cannot lah it must be some sort of hard core music since it’s…..errrr,cannot postulate in here right? after all, this is my love letter to u..*

     Someday, i hope that you will read this e-letter (i didnt know whether u ever read them). Well, u never admit it anyway…. i have few suspicions, but i will leave it for now haha. i hope that when u read it, u know that this e-letter will never die. it will always be true from time to time. ur the first one that i’ve been constantly talking and thinking about,and i never get bored with u, weird kan? it could be that u explore my childish feelings. u know im too loud for u, too spoiled that u will always scold me in ur own way, a bit unpredictable in more ways, have good and bads… n you accept them all..without hesitation (Yerlah kot, it’s almost 4yrs since we’ve knwon each other). it’s crazy… i know, right? ur just annoyed sometimes with all the attentions that i’ve given u (if fewer guys read this then they will not believe it..it isn’t like me).. heck even i sometimes annoyed with those lascivious attentions that i gave u. it’s just that….there’s always sth about u that makes me want to stop from whatever im doing n looking at ur direction.

so pls read this, whenever we have some storms or bad days,whenever u think u miss me (hahaha admit it!!!!) … because i will always read this post whenever i miss u.

to other readers: i didnt say that i will be together forever with him. i dont know that myself. we would never know. I wish, but inilah kuasa tuhan. All i (or we) can do is try and never give up with each other.

I think there would be part 2 n so on hahaha.

2:45 am.
*mode: a big smile.*

******************************************************************************************************

*Tired of making excuses in life*

Posted on March 12, 2008 by yayalalala.
Categories: Current Affairs.

8:13 pm,

      I just finished my inorganic chem class.we always came out early (supposed to finish at 9 pm); its 3 hrs class so even the prof. couldn’t stand listening / preaching all of the info to us hoho.

    My presentation..what could i say. i got a group 14.. and out of the other group in periodic tables,this particular group has WAY TOO MANY THINGS TO SAY!I’ve been preparing myself for 2 nights (i couldn’t prepare earlier due to quizzes, exams, tralalala kn, sleeps at 4am,woke up at 9-ish am to either study/hwork/other stuffs)…

    Let me amend it..the EXCUSES are all BULLSHIT anyways. I’m tired of protecting myself by making excuses! face it nurhidayah jamar!!! ur just lazy but u know u can change urself so do it!

    God i dont want to do this thing anymore. its too tiring. this is the WORST ATTITUDE that i have had since i came to Stevens. I don’t want to procrastinate anymore, but when all these things keep on pulling me like hell…. through n through every weekdays that i was inclined NOT to do anything on weekends.

    Haih, tau x tdi i finished all my presentation 10 mins b4 the class starts! We should give the slides on Monday but i didn’t give the slides to him at all. Thank GOD he wasn’t angry. I told him honestly all those stuffs that i have had, n he knew that group 14 has too many applications in all living organisms. You know carbon right? ITS EVERYWHERE,ITS EVERYTHING! n when u try to put it into slides ur clueless to sort out!try it,then u know the feelings. and THAT’S JUST THE FIRST ELEMENT IN THE GROUP 14!

   Anyways, due to EXHAUSTION + LAZINESS (i don’t think this is the right word, since i dont have any choice but do it anyway….SO PUT IT AS LACK OF COMMITMENT AND ENTHUSIASM) forced me to finish it with no time to rehearse it…. yurp, i didn’t practice the slides at all = poor pronunciation = poor knowledge skills since they were tons of new words and processes, reactions that i have needed to explain but was not good enough! they were actually other 2 presenters doing the same chapter (but we’re not allowed to discuss)…thank God that we balanced each other out fairly well. Shaun touched on mostly reactions for every element in the Carbon family, I was into applications more, n Vishnu was into reaction of carbons..Overall, i wish i did better. but all my friends and the prof. told me that it was really GOOD! it kinda did,maybe! it was only because of anxiety n nervousness i guess that made me focused more when im putting my words in the slides…and each new word or process that im not familiarize with it i read it (but u cant put it in the slide..its bad if u put many words in slides)..so that was the only thing that’s good. but still, i knew i could do more and gave them my very best if we were living in PLUTO with LONGER TIME and all! but that’s never going to happen so i guess i need to accept this as a LESSON. i have a second presentation about the noble gases on April 16 so I HOPE I COULD DO BETTER NEXT TIME!!

    This morning i also need to submit my homework for prob n stats, n i did it at 3:30 am last night. it wasn’t even finished plus hard. REALLY HARD. try to search this book: "Probability and Statistics for Engineering and the Sciences; Seventh ed, by Jay L.Devore." Read the reviews and feedbacks from other users and u’ll see what i mean. The book is really worthless plus mhl nk mampus and they only have 2 examples tops in one section. It’s worthless shit (ade ke perkataan ni). so, after hantar my homework in which wasn’t finished.. i was like kinda crying but at that time i still need to push myself to do the presentations etc. but the feelings are all coming back now! I seriously think that I will get a C for this class. Sorry i want to aim higher but with this kind of performance i don’t think i would be able to. plus, the prof. didn’t have partial grades eg. A-, B+/-, so it would be really bad. It’s 75% for a C. eh wait bole ke dpt C?

    Since bile jadi cmni? Since bile i was like mampuslahh…i skip classes for prob n stats b4 because i couldn’t c anything without glasses…n after things were ok i sometimes skip classes because i still didn’t finish studying for exam. seriously one should never skip classes once! the first step is always a committed step. Once ur started to skipping classes then u dun understand the-what material prof in the next class. Next, u started to doubt urself n then u feel that ur stupid = losing faith in that class. That’s exactly how my mind works!

    After i made a decision to drop physics 2, i feel inwardly better.
I’m going to drop it on Friday. so, i hope i can do better after spring
break.. Well, it’s better to retreat now when u know ur losing the touch.

   To be honest, it wasn’t my intention to drop the class because of my poor performance and really bad commitment in it. It’s because im getting depressed over the subject AND it affects my performance in BAD WAYS in the other subjects that i need to drop it.

    Like now, i feel like i cant change anything now but  ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE kn. So i vow to myself that i would try my best not to:

1) SKIP CLASSES.
2) HWORK DONE ON WEEKENDS, NOT WEEKDAYS.
3)STUDY THE MATERIAL B4 CLASS ON WEEKDAYS.

    But all in all, i remember what my foster grandparent told me literally…. that if you want to wish for sth good, then really wish for it. for ex, nk PMR tu xusah kate dpt 8A pun cukuplah,IT’S NOT TRUE… U NEED TO AIM HIGHER." After all, they are not IMPOSSIBLE, JUST IMPROBABLE..

   Oklah i need to gtg kn..i need to study for MACRO midterm from ch 5-10 n i still didnt study anything yet. im going to have my 9am lab for 3hrs tomorrow….i still didnt take a shower, not did i eat yet for dinner. wish me luck dear readers, doalah saya utk diberikan Hidayah dari Tuhan!

"Aku bermohon kepadamu Ya Allah, agar Kau buangkan lah sifat mazmumah dlm diriku ini Ya Allah…aku bermohon kepada mu agar Kau tenangkn hatiku ini, tanamkn diriku dgn sifat mahmudah, agar setiap pelajaran yg aku terima pada hari ini, semlm, pada hari esok,pada hari yg lepas, dpt masuk kedlm otakku dgn CEMERLANG.. SesungguhNya Engkaulah yg maha Agung, lagi maha Berkuasa. Dan  sesungguhnya tiada tempat lgi utk aku memohon kecuali kepadaMu….. Amin"

   Please note that i didnt even reproof my words. All the post in white means that i didnt recheck any jumbled words etc… Heck i didnt do this for a long time hoho. nti2lah kn, so for now be patient with me ok!

=)

8:54pm

THOSE THINGS THAT ARE IMPROBABLE, BUT ARE NOT IMPOSSIBLE!

Posted on March 10, 2008 by yayalalala.
Categories: Current Affairs.

1:51 pm..

SHIT SHIT SHIT! SHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when will i learn that my class mcm bnyk n gile susah nk mmpus skrg?
when will i learn that im terribly lazy that i cant procrastinate anymore?
when will i learn that saturday is wednesday n sunday is monday now?
when will i learn to kick myself out of misery and land on a stable foot?

bodohlaah aku ni!

Wuwu.
my class like urhghhhh now.im like shit now!
i want to drop physics 2. it’s independent study, n i thought i can do it but obviously failed.
serius mcm urhh kna jumpe seminggu 2 kali, 3hrs each just to do quizzes!n u need to get 90% to move on to the next quiz.eeeeeeeeeeeee nk mencarut but cant so *&^%$@O@#O%%O^*
ok it’s not the subject’s fault. but there’s nothing that i could do becoz the normal class clashed with my schedule.

ok i really want to drop it!
n i need to take regular class next sem!
i hope so (mcm tah pape nye)
my class next sem like 23 already n 4 labs aah xthn
so i need to sacrifice my summer.
i hope that it’s for summer 1 so that i can spend my time with my family on second summer.
sorry mother i know u expect me to come back on 29 may but i dont think that i can now. i even had flight ticket but ……………………. *tgh merenjiskn air mata*
im terribly sorry.
i really want to go back.
money is like shit now n during summer we wont have duit housing anymore!aah life is shit.
why cant i learn outside the box? why cant i do physics? prob n stats? thermo?
to be honest, thermo wasnt that bad after u understand it. BUT PROF TU PERANGAI CM urghhhhh… XAJAR DLM KLAS that particular type of questions (ok xdelah aku suruh die kasi soklan yg sebijik but really..the questions came out of nowhere), XDE CONTOH DLM BUKU LNGSUNG, XDE EXERCISE N GIVE US STH YG KAMI,THE STUDENTS, XLEH WAT. ok im not making this up when he told us "u have 5 more minutes..". 80% of the class still stayed, one cried, one was slumping away in the chair, 2 already went back for the first 20 minutes of the exam which was impossible for them to finish that FAST! there’s too many questions in 50 minutes (mcm SIAL).weh kalo ko nk kasi kitorg dpt result teruk dlm kelas n if this what u called as an experience then say it to the dean . bodoh stupidddddddddd.

seriously i think if my gpa is 3 this sem i would GLADLY ACCEPT IT!. maybe,because i really have troubles with th0se 3 classes.

classes that im taking now:

inorganic chem.
thermo for scientist.
physics 2 self-independent study (cam sial).
prob n stats for scientist (mcm sial).
biochem 1.
macroeconomy for non computer science major.

actually kn biochem n esp. inorganic chem are definitely harder. but i rather put my hopes on sth that i can understand, with good ambience in the class..it’s not like aku kte aku bole dpt A. even my inorganic chem prof told us that the average undergraduate students taking this class is B. there’s no one got an A before (ok lupe nk ckp kitorg ade 4 je undergrad, 4PHDs and 5 masters taking that class). but TO me, it’s better than physics n prob n stats TOGETHER.

ok actually i have biochem midterm this evening at 6:15 pm n i just read through all 210ish slides once! (ok i xtipu ask me n i will give u the proof).
ok korg cube tgk aku punye things to do this week and judge it for urself.serious mcm #$%&.

things to do:
1) Biochem 1 midterm (n now it 2:10 pm already) on mon
2) Self-independent presentation for teaching inorganic chem for ch 6 (u need to teach the class by yourself.and im telling u.it’s freaking scary) on wed. shit slide pun i dont have apetah lgi nk practice.
3) assignment 8 prob n stats due wed.
4) email TA prob n stats about permission ( i was sick n had the doctors note so i need to makeup my quiz #5)
5) quiz#5 prob n stats; quiz #6 prob n stats on FRIDAY.
6) quiz 4 n 5 physics 2 on wed (i hope! read above to know why)
7) handing in first report for inorganic chem n 4hrs lab at 8am on thursday.
8) MACRO MIDTERM ON thurs.
9) quiz 6,7 n 8 on friday for physics 2 (i really hope that i can do this by spring break. please prof salwen have pity on me (i already emailed him). The TA sucks he failed us on purpose.

bnyk gile! bile nk sedar ni nurhidayah jamar. wake up ur not a middle school girl anymore.face it.

yg terlalu depressed,
yaya.

2:30 pm