which priority comes first?

Ade org kate women are so fickle-minded, that we, women, keep changing what we want that it’s hard for men to keep up with our demands and needs.

but i bgitau exactly what i want. exactly what i feel.

in terms of love.

in terms of study.

hari ini saya sedih kerana saya xdpt berikan yg terbaik didlm genetics exam. itu semua adalah salah saya kerana tidak study hard, tidak study smart, tidak pergi kelas, tidak concentrate, tidak tidur dgn betul etc. etc.

jadi saya cuba-

saya cuba sedaya upaya utk ubah benda2 ini. masalah tidur saya bukanlah kes yg baru. saya hanya dapat tidur selepas pukul 7am. tidur saya juga bukannya nyenyak dan lama. jadi saya tertinggal kelas saya yg semuanya start pada pkul 8 or 9am. fikiran saya kusut tpi pelbagai juadah yg cikgu2 berikan seperti hworks, quizzes, lab reports, formal lab reports, research papers dan exams perlu dilhabiskn. saya terpaksa korbankan seberapa bnyk perkara yg saya mampu.

oleh itu,  badan saya tidak mempunyai rest yg btul.

bila cerita, org kte try tido awl. bile cerita, org kate jgn pk bnyk benda. bile cerita, org kate concentrate dekt diri.

saya nk bgitau yg saya dh try. saya tau saya xdpt concentrate dlm studies, moody n grumpy. bdn saya sakit, otak saya..saya sendiri tidak tau ape yg die fikir..kebnyakan perkara ini boleh datasi jika saya mempunyai tido yg cukup, maybe.

kemudiannya saya ade 3 exams this week. 2 bru je mendarat dgn pelbagai side effects. jadi mcmmane saya nk tido bila saya tau saya perlu study? buknke study comes first? weren’t you, my unwilling listeners, were the ones who tell me that? wasn’t i, for the first time in my late 21 years, realize it too?

saya tidak tahu camne nk jelaskn perasaan saya.diri saya.apa yg saya mahu,apa yg saya cuba bgitahu.

my brain won’t do it. my body won’t do it.

from now on,

i vow to be reclusive. blog is there to be a modicum for me.

thanks for “hearing,” really.

p/s:sila doakn saya utk chem dy exam. moga2 saya dpt focus,dpt belaja sehingga bdn saya dpt relax disebbkn die tau yg tuan die cuba berikan yg termampu utk hari esok.

you and i

we are not meant to be together after all, you and i..

i made an imaginary u, urging myself that you could be my fairytale.

but a tale is just a tale.

i think know that,

we both tried to mend the gap caused by our stupid, egoistical, can’t-see-what-the-other-side-is-thinking and seeing the worst in every possible outcome.

the problem is,

we didn’t agree with the way we solved things up.

i couldn’t pretend that every fight was meaningless.

even though we made a pact, the scar’s still there.

and it would resurface each time we fought for more.

we always had a fight, but i liked it.

i somehow believed that,

it’s the only way i might know how u feel.

but to u it’s a temperamental thingy that i did as an attention seeker.

i’m not that low.

what i want is a constant love.

but perhaps i’m that low.

because i always seek love and i’m greedy.

it’s a curse to be a weed. no pesticides could tame the weed, literally.

not wanting and wanting is the same thing, really.

oh well, i didn’t blame u.

u are u.

it’s my mistake.. u thought i did- i also believed that too.

perhaps it’s not a past tense eh?

whatever it is and was,

i loved u.

but the gap is still there, and this vicious cycle would still continue.

i made a terrible curse on me, but please don’t chant the spell.

let me punish myself for the time being.

with all my thank you’s and sorry’s,

i wish u the best from the best.

i don’t want to say goodbye,

but u did.

byebye.

It’s me who is messy.

6:24 pm,

hepy eid.

i know it’s a bit late to put.

i wish i can be more joyous,

but u see,

i don’t even know why i’m not cheerful enough.

prolly should meet God eh? afterall, i didn’t take my shower n pray yet.

actually, i do know why i’m not cheerful enough.

so, i’m going to admit my current result (u know,the tests thingy). which i never did tell anyone,well, at least through blogging.

i got really bad result for my chem dy test 1. REALLY REALLY BAD. dun ask me how bad was it. it’s really bad.

i got thumbs up for my advanced gen.

n after providing one whole sunday to study for a freaking MATLAB test, i dropped the class because they (office of the registrar) had finally transferred/ subbed the course. woohoo!! But seriously, if only they could make it transferable earlier, that way i would have more time to study for other things at hand. Or taking a rest full enough to recover my spirit, or not have 3 zealous pimples the whole week. but whatever it was, i glad i had a glimpse of the subject and what it should be but even gaudier (haha) now that i can have 18 credits this FALL!!

What else, both quizzes that came from physics 2.. fyu, the quizzes are important since we only have final test, so the quiz is like a small test every forthnight. oh well i didn’t know the results yet, been skipping the recitation last tuesday.. why? i didn’t go to eid,but i didn’t go to class either. i celebrated it the way i’m most comfortable with.

i dun care about chem dy.i got the worst result but i knew it was my own fault. i didnt study enough. honestly, i put 5% to study for that test.

Now here comes to my topic of interest: CH 484 aka Intro to Molecular Genetics.

What’s with genetics exam anyway. did she, my prof., have any idea how 4 sleepless nights did to me? or how someone keep calling me over the phone, encouraged me not to giving up on myself?

i got an 80 or B for the test. The avg. was 84.5 so i’m below avg. i was honestly shocked because i knew i had studied for the class. i  dun think I’ve put zealous effort like the one i’m putting for the test ever since i was in Mrsm before. Heck I didn’t even study enough to get where i am today. Imagine how disappointed i was afterward?

n then, because i didn’t get the test yet, i tried to see my  prof. for 2 days but failed. she’s nowhere to be found (and right when you think Stevens is so small). so for the past 2 days, i walked like a zombie, no real smile whatsoever, i slept a lot like a log during the days n brooding over the nights.i didn’t go anywhere, i played scuter when the rain poured down on me.

n today, after i got a chance to meet her after class..to finally look at my paper.. n tadaaa..so many mistakes for simple calculations. i didn’t even put my name and pledged which i had never ever forgotten since my 1 and 1/2 years in Stevens.

what’s more important is that she MISCALCULATED my grade. it was supposed to be 84 not 80. after discussing my answers with her i was inclined to have 4 more points totallingup to 8 points. n SHE DID NOT WANT TO GIVE ME THE 88 POINTS THAT I TOTALLY DESERVED. WTHECK?

Her excuse was that she didn’t want to upgrade the avg. than it already does. I’m only ONE PERSON anyway, how does my one grade can affect the curve that much? plus, did i even care in the first place???? what matter in the first place is me and what i have put through to get the result. i deserve it u see. i went to her, i analyzed my result n i knew i should get more. it’s not like i went to her, trying to make my oh-not-so-cute-smile and puppy-eyes to get what i wanted; i’m an arguer, not a child.

depressed can never get enough of me.

oh well, there’s other thing for my formal gen’s lab report, which she gave ALL students 10/15 because some students didn’t give what she wanted. r u kidding me?? i spent 2 and half days during the tormented week trying to do the report (with all the tests n quizzes) n she gave us, ME, an explanation like that? imagine how i feel? it’s not my fauly if some people didn’t want to give their best.

that’s why i’m so down.

u know what happened during that week, i sacrified so much that it’s painful to not have what i expected. i sacrificed my laughter, my phone calls with family and nizam, my happiness, my sleep, my comfort zone, even my 30 minutes in a bath tub..

i guess GOD always have HIS plan. maybe what i thought to be torturous or study hard has not been perceived in that way to HIM or even to my own self. maybe i’m a liar to my own self. or perhaps disillusioned.

oh well, i feel much better putting it in a blog anyway. and i have accepted the fact that i will do much better for the next test.

well, my second date exam would be from oct. 30 n 31 where it would be 3 tests n 2 quizzes, lab reports for chem dy n genetics, term papers, research papers anyway.

so maybe i should concentrate more on chem dy now (i need to!), dun skip classes, study hard for physics and GENETICS n prove to myself that im not a liar.n that my efforts won’t be futile.

thanks for having faith with me. n sorry syg n some other people that i didn’t share my current stories now. thanks to kamu! the only thing that i did was acting grumpier or sadder in this uni. the truth is, i’m just trying to accept those ugly facts that were mostly caused by me.

The world keeps on revolving around me; i just have to learn not to be sucked in.

yours truly,

nur hidayah binti jamar (it’s been quite some time that i wrote my full name.. 3 yrs i think)

=)

6:58 pm